Making the decision to let my son go was a difficult decision for my husband and I. We had prayed about it and knew that it was the correct thing to do. We had the confirmation that he (our son Jaxson) wasn't supposed to be here on Earth with us very long. But knowing and accepting it are two totally different and challenging things to do.
The day that Jaxson passed, was the hardest day of my life. I held my son as they pulled him off the machines that had kept him alive for his short life. My husband and I passed him back and forth for three hours as he took his last breaths. During which time I had to be tough and say no when my husband lost it when they took him off the machines, and pleaded with his big brown eyes that we put him back on. I held him as he took his last breath, and I watched him as his chest stop rising and waited to see if it really was the last breath he would ever take in his life.
My son changed my life forever. I will never know the impact he could have had on me, or has had on me. I think about him everyday, and I know that I will forever do that. The first weeks after loosing him I found it so hard to do anything; get out of bed, shower, EAT. My family would try all sorts of things to help me to get out of the house and do this or that. I didn't want to do a thing. I didn't think that it was fair for me or well anyone for that matter to be enjoying anything when something so precious was taken away.
My heart ached for him so much, at times I felt like it would explode. For some time I was mad at everyone and anyone. I, sad to say, for some time was even mad at God. I understood the logistics of him being taking away and his "role" so to speak. But I didn't understand why I had to go through this, or why it had to be my son, but not only that why it had to be that son or that child. He was my first.
I still don't understand, but things have gotten better. At some point I had to snap out of it and realize that there is life after loss, and that I can move on. There are things that I can do and I can be happy doing them.
I think that I have annoyed my husband some days, because I am always bringing up the things that I think Jaxson would be doing or could have been doing at this stage. I am always pointing out that Jaxson would be such and such age on this day. I know one thing for sure, I would not be where I am today without my amazing husband. He has truly been so patient with me and help me to figure out how to cope with all of this. I have come to love and appreciate him so much more.
Life after a loss is not easy. Everyday can be hard. I have been so grateful for my family and friends that I have around. I am extremely grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that I have that I will someday I will be reuinted with my son. Though I still ache for him daily and would give anything to have him back, I have learned to cope with the ache. I know that I will have other children when the time is right. Though I am not always grateful for the trials that I get, but I am grateful for the strength that we get going though them, and all that we learn also.
