Life after Loss..

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. How does one move on after the loss of a loved one. No matter who it is, it can be super hard. For me I struggled with the loss of my son. I didn't really know how I can move on, or what was the proper steps for morning. 

Making the decision to let my son go was a difficult decision for my husband and I. We had prayed about it and knew that it was the correct thing to do. We had the confirmation that he (our son Jaxson) wasn't supposed to be here on Earth with us very long. But knowing and accepting it are two totally different and challenging things to do.

 The day that Jaxson passed, was the hardest day of my life. I held my son as they pulled him off the machines that had kept him alive for his short life. My husband and I passed him back and forth for three hours as he took his last breaths. During which time I had to be tough and say no when my husband lost it when they took him off the machines, and pleaded with his big brown eyes that we put him back on. I held him as he took his last breath, and I watched him as his chest stop rising and waited to see if it really was the last breath he would ever take in his life.

 My son changed my life forever. I will never know the impact he could have had on me, or has had on me. I think about him everyday, and I know that I will forever do that. The first weeks after loosing him I found it so hard to do anything; get out of bed, shower, EAT. My family would try all sorts of things to help me to get out of the house and do this or that. I didn't want to do a thing. I didn't think that it was fair for me or well anyone for that matter to be enjoying anything when something so precious was taken away. 

My heart ached for him so much, at times I felt like it would explode. For some time I was mad at everyone and anyone. I, sad to say, for some time was even mad at God. I understood the logistics of him being taking away and his "role" so to speak. But I didn't understand why I had to go through this, or why it had to be my son, but not only that why it had to be that son or that child. He was my first.

 I still don't understand, but things have gotten better. At some point I had to snap out of it and realize that there is life after loss, and that I can move on. There are things that I can do and I can be happy doing them.

 I think that I have annoyed my husband some days, because I am always bringing up the things that I think Jaxson would be doing or could have been doing at this stage. I am always pointing out that Jaxson would be such and such age on this day. I know one thing for sure, I would not be where I am today without my amazing husband. He has truly been so patient with me and help me to figure out how to cope with all of this. I have come to love and appreciate him so much more.

 Life after a loss is not easy. Everyday can be hard. I have been so grateful for my family and friends that I have around. I am extremely grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that I have that I will someday I will be reuinted with my son. Though I still ache for him daily and would give anything to have him back, I have learned to cope with the ache. I know that I will have other children when the time is right. Though I am not always grateful for the trials that I get, but I am grateful for the strength that we get going though them, and all that we learn also.

Jaxson Don Fuiava 12/18/12-12/26/12

Where to start? As I approached the end of my pregnancy the doctor had me going in for non-stress test. I was having high blood pressure and swelling a lot. He ended up putting me on bedrest the last few days right before the Jaxson was born because as long as I was off of my feet I was not swelling and my blood pressure seemed to stay down too. The weekend before Jaxson was born I had several stress test. Friday afternoon I went to my doctors office and had the stress test, while there Jaxsons heartbeat dropped down so they had me go over to the hospital. While at the hospital everything was fine. Jaxson was moving all over the place, in fact they had a hard time keeping him on the monitor because he kept moving away. It made me laugh. Things seemed to be okay so they sent me away, but told me to come back the next day and be checked again.

So Saturday I went in again, and while there Jaxsons heartbeat did the same thing. So this time to make sure things were really okay, they sent me to get an ultrasound. This time while in there, Jaxson decided to not move so then they were really worried about that. But then what they didn't tell us was that they noticed some abnomalities. At the time we didn't really know what that meant and they weren't telling us because they needed to read the ultrasound first. They sent us home without knowing anything, but something wasn't quite right, and told us to come back the next day for another test. So then we went back on Sunday for the test again, oh my goodness so much fun. This time while they were doing the test Jaxson cooperated. He moved enough that we were able to be in and out. But while there I made sure to ask about the abnormalities and see what they thought was going on. They had the on-call doctor call us and let us know that they thought that Jaxson might have DOWNS. To me that was not a big deal. Yes it changes things a little bit as far as how we were going to take care of him, but we would manage it. We finished the test and then they told us to go see a perinatologist.

I wasn't able to get in with the perinatologist until Tuesday. So I had to wait all Monday just sitting at home to find out what was going on. On Tuesday we went to see the specialist and she saw the same abnomalities. She said that yes it could mean he had DOWNS or it could mean that he had some kind of other things going on. Then she also said that if my own doctor wasn't going to take the baby that she wanted him to come out. He looked like he was doing okay enough that taking him shouldn't hurt. He was far enough along that he should be okay. She called my doctor and talked with him, had me do another non-stress test. Then sent me to the hospital to my doctor to be delivered.

My husband and I drove to American Fork hospital, not sure of what to think. Jaxson was coming 4 weeks early, and that scared me because I had my dear sweet niece born that early and she was tiny and had a bunch of compliations. I wanted my baby to be okay and I wanted him to be healthy and I wanted him to be able to come home with me and not have to stay in the hospital for any time. We called my parents as we went and told them what was going on. My mom made sure to call my brother and let them all know, and even asked them to come and give me a blessing to help make sure things would be okay. It was so neat, I had all 6 of my brother, my dad and husband all give me a blessing. I was really neat.

The doctor came in checked to see how dialated I was, surprisingly I was at a 3. He broke my water and we were going to try a normal delivery. I was so nervous, this is the part that I had tried so hard not to think about. Feeling the contractions and having them get closer and closer, and more intense. I finally asked them to give me an epidural. While they were giving it to me the little stinkers heartbeat dropped down again, so the doctor decided that Jaxson couldn't handle a normal delivery and that he would have to do a c-section.

Oh no this made me nervous again. I didn't want to have to be cut open, but I guess that meant that I would be able to see my baby eariler. They had to stop my contractions and wait for me to get numb. They wheeled me in and stripped me down, gave me more of the numbing stuff then cut me open. I honetly don't think they gave me enough, but I was to stubborn to get more of the medication and just wanted it to be over. I wanted to see my baby. They pulled him out and my husband went of to be with him. I waited to hear how he was and that everything was okay.

They quickly found out that he didn't have a soft pallet. They didn't say anything about what other problems that he might have. They finished sewing me up and took me to the recovery room. I waited to hear how things were. I saw my mom and dad, and John came back. They all said that he looked beautifiul and that he was perfect. He did have extra digets on his hands. He has 6 fingers on each hand, we were able to see that.
The pediatrician came to me and let me know that he was having breathing issues due to him not having a fully formed pallet, his tongue kept droppin back, and his jaw wasn't totally formed either. They suggested that he go to primary childrens hospital, because the last baby that they had with the pallet issues he ended up crashing and having to be taken up there air transport. Since he was doing okay and he wasn't having to many issues they wanted to take him up there on a more calm pace rather then have to do it later on an emergency basis. They wheeled me down to see him and hold him. I got a few minutes with him, and a picture or two. John held him too, and then they took me to my room. They brought him in and let me see him before he was taken up to primaries. This was in the middle of the night around 2 am. He was born at 10:11 pm on the 12/18/12.

I didn't get much sleep after that, I was so overwhelmed by everything that had happened. I had my baby, but then he was taken away. I was still so confused. The next day, John went up to see the baby and see how he was doing. He got some pictures of Jaxson and even got to change a diaper. They still didn't tell us anything about Jaxson. As far as we knew he was perfect. We thought that the only thing that was wrong was the pallet, they had told us though that they were running more test.

I don't want to make this too long, so I'll try to share what seems to be important.

I went home from the hospital on Friday. I really wanted to go and see my baby, but didn't get to go and see him till the next day. We went up and I loved that I was able to see him finally. He seemed so perfect to me. So beautiful, tiny and presious. Saturday they let us know that he was having more issues. His breathing had gotten worse, and he was having problems with his gluclose levels. The poor thing was having to be poked every 2 hrs to make sure they weren't too high. Later that day they let us know that Jaxson had Trisomy 13. It is a chromosomal disorder that is similar to DOWNS but it is a lot more serious. They shared with us that his chances of living were not good.

I broke down, my little baby wasn't going to be here with us on this earth very long. I hated hearing that. I just got him, how can he be taken away so quick. I cried and cried as the doctors talked more about what was going on and all the things that come with his disorder. We could have done surgeries to fix his breathing, but the recoveries would have been long and lengthy, and we still don't know if he would have survived them. After we talked with the doctors, we went back in to see Jaxson said good bye. We went home to my family who was having a christmas party. We had planned not to share with them what was going to happen. But I just couldn't keep it in, everyone kept asking how he was and if we knew anymore on what was going on with him. I finally broke down and shared with them everything that the doctors had just shared with us.

Sunday we were able to give him his name and blessing. That was really neat once agian we were to have all 6 of my brothers, dad and husband there. It was so good to have them all have the priesthood and bless this little body. The doctors informed us of a few more problems that were going on with his body. It helped us to know that our decision to not move ahead and do surgry was correct. It still was super hard knowing that he wasn't going to be with us much longer.

We drove up Monday spent some more time with him. Then on Tuesday, which happened to be Christmas, all of my siblings decided to come up and visit Jaxson. Each family was able to come and get pictures with him. John and I spent more time with him too. Then we went back down to Orem and had dinner with my family.

The next day John and I drove back up, this was the day that we had decided to take him off of all the machines. Knowing that our little one was not going to be around much longer made this day really hard. I as able to hold him as they took him off the of the ventilator. For the next few hours John and I kept passing him back and forth, loving holding our angel baby. About 3 hours after being pulled off of the machines our sweet angel baby passed, and returned home to our Heavenly Father. Not a day goes by where I don't hurt for him. Where I don't wish that he was here, and that I was able to hold him and kiss him. My heart aches for him. I know that he is in a better place and that now his imperfect body, is now perfect. I know that he has a much more important mission ahead of him. I am sure that some day I will know what his mission was for down here, and I am sure that I will have learned this big important thing. I just hope that whatever is going on with him that some day I hear of it and be so greatful that I was able to mother him. I do hope that I can find joy in this trial that Heavenly Father sent to me.

The best update!

July 11th, 2012. Where does time go by? I always have goals to update on here but for some reason time goes on and I forget to update. Well a lot of changes are coming. I am so excited for the next stage of life. John will be graduating school in a month and a half, we will be moving to Utah a few days after that. We will both be looking for new jobs, and once we have jobs then a place to live, and the best news of all we will be having a baby in JANUARY!!! We are so excited. We have had a crazy few months finding out this news.

         It all started in May of course when my time of the month was supposed to have come and well it didn't. So I did the typical and took a pregnancy test. It came out POSITIVE!! So exciting. John wasn't home, but I sent in a picture of the test. He didn't believe me. I had played a prank on him a year ago and he didn't like it, but I had told him I was pregnant. This was real though, but he still didn't believe me. So when he come home later that day I had another test so I did it with him home just to prove that it was correct. He got excited but you know it is still so early at that point that he didn't get too excited. So I took the proper steps when to my doc to have them do another pregnancy test. This too came out positive. I was getting more excited.

   Well the next step was to go to the OBGYN and have them do more tests and an ultrasound. We had to wait a few days. Yeah it's not that long, but for us it seemed like forever. So we go to the doc on Saturday, this is when the fun started. The Doc does the ultrasound but he didn't see anything... SCARY. He looked and looked but there was nothing to see. Oh wow we were kind of sad again. He decided to have me do more tests. So we drove home and had blood work done on that day and then the following Monday. That was fine, I don't mind that. The blood work was saying that there was a baby... Oh wow we didn't know what to think. The doctor calls me kind of worried. He said for my levels being as high as they were there should definitely be a baby, he was now thinking that we had an ectopic pregnancy... I didn't like hearing this. He wanted to come to the ER and have more tests and ultrasounds done.

    OH JOY. To get to the hospital we had to drive an hour, and well find a car because we don't have one. We actually had ridden our bikes McDonalds and were eating, I wasn't supposed to eat another bite. I was bugged and sad. I didn't want to believe that this was happening. We got back home, and found a car and made our way to the hospital, after I made sure that John gave me a blessing. The hour drive felt like it took forever.

    We get there and they admitted me. I was poked and prodded. It was so much fun. But in the end we got great news, I was indeed pregnant, but not as far along as we had thought. The pregnancy was in the correct spot and things were looking great. I was 6 weeks along. That was the best news to get. My doc is so good he even called me to congratulate me and update me on what was going on. He then wanted to see me a week and a half later. We got a little picture of our little one. It literally looked like a dot to me. SEE

Okay so here are all the pictures that we have had. We had one at the ER, then at the follow up with the doc almost 2 weeks later, and the last one was a month later. I think that we can find out what we are having at our next appointment in a 2 1/2 weeks. I am super excited. Just thought that I would update you all!!!

**** FYI the pic are a little out of order. The first on is actually our latest pic, The middle one is the first pic we go and the last is the middle one at 8 weeks.

***Please leave comments on here, not quite ready for it to be on facebook.

December oh yeah baby!

Okay I am so excited that it is finally December. I don't really know why. We aren't going anywhere aren't doing anything. And really I don't get a break from work because it is December. But none the less December is here and I am super excited. John will be getting a break from school and I am happy about that. He really needs a break. He has been super busy. He is taking 4 major classes, and been busy with the singles ward, and of course working as a tutor for the students that are taking Samoan language classes.

We got a new camera, so I am trying to be better about taking pictures.I always want to take pics now, but I am not that good at getting a "good" picture. OH well you might get to see a lot more of Hawaii and all the things I get to see all the time.

Okay so I typed this at the beginning of December.. and just never posted it.

Ioane Afoa Fuiava III

I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dear sweet husband. I am so blessed to have him in my life. I don't know how I got so lucky to have married a man that is so perfect for me. He is turning 26 today and so in honor of him turning 26 I just wanted to share 26 interesting facts or things that I love about him.

1. He cooks better than me, and more often than I do.
2. He loves to cuddle more than me.
3. He is teaching himself to play the piano and the ukulele.
4. He starts listening to Christmas music in July.
5. He doesn't like to eat vegetables.
6. He is so hard working.
7. He loves kids just as much if not more than me.
8. He is very clean.
9. He doesn't wear deodorant and doesn't ever smell.
10. He likes to take care of my eyebrows, and helps me tweeze them.
11. He honors his priesthood, (Always so willing to help others).
12. He begs me almost everyday if we can go to Utah to visit HIS family.
13. He reminds me so much of my brothers and dad so much. (Makes it easy to not get homesick.
14. He loves sports. Especially Rugby.
15. The minute I walk in the door he always gives me a hug and a kiss. (Even if I need to use the bathroom.)
16. He doesn't like to sleep without me. And always has to be touching some part of me when he does sleep, arm, leg, foot etc.
17. He cuts his own hair.
18. He's always the first to say sorry.
19. He always knows how to cheer me up, and can always make me laugh.
20. He has great cultural backgrounds that make him a wonderful husband.
21. He is a mama's boy, even from so far away.
22. He doesn't like the smell of cleaning products.
23. He loves to play games, (phase 10, Uno, Skip-bo) all the ones we played at home.
24. He is Mr. Jokester, but doesn't like big crowds.
25. He LOVES sea food, to bad I don't like it, he doesn't get it very often.
26. He loves to sing karaoke and dance.

He is the most wonderful man. I am so grateful that I get to spend the rest of my life and beyond with him.

Kealani Taufa

So this is our friends baby. We were walking home the other day, had just finished with an activity with the classes John teaches when we saw Sione, the dad of this adorable little girl. We chatted a minute and then when John want me to steal the baby. He didn't even have her with him. John just really wanted to play with her.

So we ended up picking her up a little while later. We played for a bit then she got hungry, so we fed her. Then it was nap time. That's where the pic come in. After her nap we played more. We had her all afternoon. And loved it.

The November happenings.

Alright, just to let everyone know, I found out that I DO have cyst. But I don't have poly cystic ovaries. I had to track down some nurses to get that information, but I am glad that I finally have some answers.

We kind of celebrated Johns birthday early. We went to town and did some shopping. He really wanted to get some rugby gear. So we got him some cleats, shorts (spandex and shorts for over), longs socks. Oh and we got him some cologne. Then we went to Sam's Club and did some major shopping, we had like no food at home. That was a fun day.

Lets see since then we have had a few fun things going on. We had foodfest. That is where all the clubs make food from their home country and sell it, so that they can make money for activities through-out the semester. Of course John was helping with the Samoan club. They had bbq chicken, banana's, rice, samoan sasuages, and they made hot koko. I went around and tried a few of the other clubs food. There was some Arabian food, (fried bread and some other stuff that I didn't like). I wanted to get some of the Tahitian food, because they make crepes that are so good. But when I went around they were all out. Sad I don't even remember all that I ate. One of our friends went to the Filipino club and got some Lumpia. I don't even know how to describe what these are. I tried one, and it was good. But I was so full from the other foods, that I couldn't eat more. I didn't get to see John much that night because he was running around doing to many things for the club.

We've gone to watch the men's basketball team play. The won, and that was a good game. They have a tradition that when the team scores over a hundred points that they serve ice cream. So it was really fun and the crowd actually gets more excited about the ice cream than the game itself. I couldn't help but think back to when I first got a job here at school. It was doing the men's basketball teams wash. It was so stinky. I kept laughing about that when we were watching the game.

John and I decorated our Christmas tree. Well it actually was a tree that we inherited from his cousin that moved away from here. But still it a big tree and they left us all their ornaments and everything. It's a big upgrade from our tree last year. Which was made from wrapping paper and taped to the wall. Pretty creative but pretty lame. We still are going to hang up more lights but haven't yet. I have people telling me that it is too early to decorate. But honestly I don't care. I am going to have fun celebrating Christmas here in Hawaii.

I think that is about it as far as fun things. But it was a pretty good update. I will try to post more pics. I have been trying to take more with my phone, since I typically have it with me.